A Sperm By Any Other Name
by worrywart
Summary: Thanks to the ladies on the SS/HG Facebook page for a bit of inspiration and daring. We visit the Snape sons as they look through a stolen naughty magazine and discuss slang terms.


Hi, all! So, I've been re-working Double Memory and have been taking a bit of time to contemplate my writing. The fine ladies on the SS/HG Facebook page have been great and encouraging and as per our wont...we wondered waaaay off topic one day and well, one dare later, here is a small one shot. It is NOT beta'd or Brit picked. It is, I hope, giggle worthy.

JK Rowling owns it all. I do not.

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Hadrian and Cassius Snape were your average young teenagers, albeit magical teenagers. They went to school ten months of the year and were at home every holiday and summer. They didn't always listen to their parents and played the Wizarding Wireless set too loudly. They slept much too late in the morning, did not do their holiday homework, and did not like sprouts. However, they _were _typical teenagers and as such, approached their changing bodies in the same way Muggle teens did.

It so happened that during the Christmas holidays, fourth year Hadrian managed to swipe a copy of Hustlewitch from his bunkmate's trunk and secreted home among his own things. He had been through it once, ogling at the nude models posed lasciviously. At the back of the magazine were even more lurid photos, showing women with the 'money shot', a porn term used to show the model's face covered in ejaculate. A couple of the pages in the magazine had been stuck together, but with a quick spell, he managed to unstick them and remove the 'material' that had been the cause in the first place.

He was now holed up in the loo, having finished a bit of 'private time' with the magazine when the door blew open.

"Caught yer, mate!" hollered Cassius.

"Get out of here!"

"No way, I need to go!" He shut the door to the loo. "Hey, what have ya got?" He snatched the magazine from Hadrians' hand. "Hustlewitch?" With an evil smirk, much like his father's, he asked, "What were you doing? You were rubbing one out, eh? Cor' lookit at the birds in here," he said, flipping through the pages.

"Give me that back, you berk. Come on, you keep hollering like that, Mum and Dad will be in here."

"Ew, what's on the pages? Is that spunk?" Cassius started flapping his hand. "Gross! I got your spooge on me!" He dashed to the sink and ran the tap, washing his hands furiously.

"Like you never had your own on your hand," Hadrian scoffed.

"I do not!" Cassius denied.

"You do so," retorted Hadrian. "I heard mum telling dad about all the crunchy socks under your bed."

"Yeah, well she said you had some under yours as well. Where'd you get this anyway?" Cassius asked, waving at the magazine on the floor.

"Swiped it."

Cassius and Hadrian sat side by side on the tub and opened the magazine. Each brother, only a year apart in age, favoured a parent moreso than the other; Hadrian his mother, and Cassius his father. "Look at that girl, eh? See, they made it look like she's got sperm on her," said Hadrian.

Although Cassius wanted to sound like he was 'in the know', he was rather innocent in the ways of sex. Hesitantly, he asked his brother, "Do girls really do that?"

"I heard a couple of seventh years talking in the hall one day," answered Hadrian. "They talked about a couple of the girls giving them blow jobs and swallowing."

Cassius' eyes grew wide. "Swallowing?"

Hadrian huffed. "After the guy comes in her mouth, she swallows it."

Cassius just looked at him and then blurted, "You don't think mum and dad do that, do you?"

"Cass, Please! I don't need those images in my head!"

Both boys shivered at the thought of their parents engaged in any sort of sexual act. As with all young people, the boys were certain that only they knew about any sexual practice beyond that of simple missionary style, and that their parents did not engage in any other sort, and that most certainly Did. Not. Include. Oral. Sex.

Cassius laughed. "Max said he saw a girl wtih 'jiz' on her lips in one of these mags. What is 'jiz' anyway?"

"'Nother name for sperm," answered Hadrian.

Unbeknownst to the boys, as they were goggling over the pictures in the magazine, their father, having heard a kerfuffle from the bathroom, was now standing outside of the bathroom door. Severus Snape was very good at sussing out trouble and fourteen years as a father and more than twenty as a teacher had made him a master at stalking troublemakers. Oh, his sons were generally well behaved and gave their parents little trouble, but when the pair went silent, it usually meant they were 'up to something'.

He had heard most of their conversation and had spelled himself to be silent because he was laughing at the boy's comments and innocent questions. He nearly fell over with laughter when Cass asked about the sexual practices of his parents. All Severus could think was that he was thankful for Silencing charms and wards because he and Hermione had an active and varied sex life. The boys would be shocked!

"Hey, Had," began Cassius, "what is cum?"

"Are you really that stupid?"

Severus heard the smack of skin on skin and knew Hadrian had smacked his brother. Hadrian had a bit of a temper and often showed little patience with his brother, smacking him when he was annoyed. Hermione and he had had to punish him many times as a result.

"It's another name for sperm."

"There are other names?" asked Cassius.

"Sure...let's see, there's jiz, you've heard that, spunk, spooge, seed, little swimmers, hot protein injection..."

"You're kidding! Really?" The boys giggled.

"Oh sure. One night, me and the guys tried to come up with the grossest names we could."

"Like what?"

Severus was rather interested in just what names the boys had come up with and cast a charm to that allowed him to hear the boys better.

"Severus, what are you doing?"

Severus was startled, but quickly mimed to Hermione to be quiet, even though he knew he'd cast a _Silencio_ charm. "Listen; the boys are in there. I'm pretty sure they have a dirty magazine."

"What?" Hermione gasped. "Where did they get that?"

"Hadrian swiped it from one of his friends."

Hermione smirked. Ron and Harry would swipe Fred and George's magazines, too. "What have you heard?"

"They are coming up the various slang names for sperm," Severus answered.

Hermione giggled. "We used to do that...tried to squick each other out thinking of names for it."

"Well, have a listen; Cassius just asked what names Hadrian knew."

Hermione and Severus stood very near the door and could hear the boys.

Hadrian's voice said, "Seed, release, come, baby gravy, sticky release, man milk, homemade yogurt, face cream, protein injection, love juice, little swimmers, essence..."

Hermione slapped her hand over her mouth. "Oh, gods, Severus. Please make them stop. It's too funny!"

Chuckling, he said, "All right." He cancelled the charms and knocked on the door, watching Hermione walk away, her hips swaying. He decided to hurry this along and get to his bedroom.

"Boys? What are you doing in there? It's time for bed. Let's go." The door cracked open and there stood his sons, one of whom had a suspicious magazine shaped lump under his shirt. "Get along, boys. Remember, you're going to your grandparents for the weekend tomorrow."

The boys smiled in remembrance.

"Cool," said Cassius. "Grandpa said we'd go fishing this weekend." The boys wrestled as they made their way down the hall toward their bedroom.

"Hadrian," said Severus, "come here."

Hadrian reluctantly headed back toward his father.

"Let me have it," said Severus, holding his hand out.

"How did you know?" asked Hadrian, pulling the magazine out.

"You forget I've dealt with teenage boys and their overabundance of time spent in the loo for years." He looked at the magazine. "Hustlewitch? I'll deal with this, you get to bed. Goodnight, son."

"Goodnight, dad."

Severus watched as his son walked down the hall and chuckled to himself. No; young lads never change, not when he was a boy, not in the twenty plus years he taught, and certainly not his sons. _Protein injection, indeed,_ he thought. _That reminds me_, he thought, _Hermione is waiting in our bedroom and he hurried away._


End file.
